Or are you an out-of-work dishwasher looking for a career change? My name is Scott Boras. We should talk, especially if you can hit 40 or more home runs a year against major league pitching.

Sometimes you face Pittsburgh Pirates pitching, which is easier. That's right, if you are looking for a career change and you can hit 40 or more home runs a year against major league pitching with some games against Pirates pitching, we should talk. I have incredible opportunities just waiting to be filled.

Even if you can't hit 40 home runs against major league pitching or sometimes Pirates pitching, 20 home runs in one year will still land you employment somewhere in the Midwest. I should note that if you play for Pittsburgh, you are not allowed to face Pirates pitching.

But let's say you cannot hit home runs off of major league pitching. I still want to represent you.

Yes, I have expanded my business into all lines of work.

So if you are the world's greatest dishwasher, we should talk. If I represent you, we'll play hardball with the owner of the diner. If you don't become one of the highest paid dishwashers in history, we will hold you out until after the early bird special.

I'll hold a press conference next to a dirty dish if I have to do it to prove our point. I'll force a trade to The Ritz.

Previous columns

Conspiracy Theories and such
    Lebron Declares NY Is A Suburb Of Cleveland!
    Pete The Plumber Is Pissed!
    Sarah Palin Is A Robot!
    Feds Bailout NY Yankees
    Media Elite Apologizes To GOP, Promises No More Questions
    NASCAR Will Borrow Rivalries From NFL
    Non-Voters Hold Their Own Convention
    Manny Ramirez Enters Every Olympic Event
    Brett Favre's Old Sofa Talks To Greta Van Susteren
    Lost Marbles In Two Acts
    Vet This! How to Pick a Running Mate
    NASCAR Crew Chief George W. Bush & Driver John Q. Public
    NFL Draft - Analyzing Reggie Clinton, Reggie McCain & Reggie Obama
    Goodbye Rocky Colavito's Curse
    Roger Clemens Versus Barry Bonds - Movie Pitches
    The Fake Tony Stewart "Goodyear-Is-My-Barber" Commercial
    The Amy Winehouse Obama Song For Pittsburgh Pirates Fans
    If The Presidential Candidates Entered The 2008 Daytona 500
    Theory #3, Milk-or-Whiskey Democracy
    Rules For Bad Bosses
    Will Vote For Money
    Bag O' Burgers #1
    Theory #2 - Fenway Park
    Theory #1 - Vick's Dogs
    Freecheezeburgerz - CURRENT COLUMN


Other Stuff
    What NASCAR Taught A Liberal About America - Election Day Column
    Please Don't Build The Cape Cod Wind Farm
    Lyrics
    Freecheezeburgerz - CURRENT COLUMN