One day while I was betting everything on a basketball game, Lindsey Lohan drove up in a news helicopter and asked if I wanted to go to one of Michael Vick’s dogfights and then go hunting with her and Dick Cheney.

The vice president, it turns out, has a nickname for when he attends these dogfights: “Kooky.” And everyone knows that when Kooky shows up, it’s going to be a big fight.

So clearly this was the biggest fight in years, like Ali-Frazier, and all the underground celebrities were there. This was truly underground - Anna Nicole Smith made an appearance, and she reminded me a lot of Marilyn Monroe. They were both so dead it was almost lifelike.

But tongues wagged and now because of allegations and situations, Congress is involved. So I watched the inquiry on my high-definition big-screen telephone television.

Nancy Pelosi: Please state your full name and your legal age.
Spike: My name is Spike. I am 3 … or 21. It all depends on your concept of time.
Pelosi: This is not an existential discussion, Mr. Spike. Or is that your first name?
Spike: That is my full name. Want to see my collar?
Pelosi: Look, we’re trying to collar some criminals and you are our only witness. A little cooperation would help.
A naked light bulb hung by a frayed black wire over the subject’s head. The Speaker inhaled from a clove cigarette and blew smoke directly below the light bulb. Then she did the famous Pelosi laugh.
Pelosi: So tell me. Do you know Michael Vick?
Spike: Know him? His was the wallet that fed me. Oh, I’d like to bite that wallet now.
Pelosi: Interesting. Why is that, Mr. Spike?
Spike: Look at me! Dressed in this monkey suit appearing before you clowns. I really should sue.
Pelosi: But…
Spike: Look, I am non-violent at heart. I joined for the tuition towards college. I’ve got Spike Jr. to think of now, you know.
Pelosi: But…
Spike: Will you butt out? I’m trying to tell you. I only joined because he told me it would be a walk in the park. I’d be treated like a liberator. I didn’t know he was just trying to liberate other people’s money.
Pelosi: Didn’t you…?
Spike: He said the other dog hated my family and had weapons of ass destruction plus he would try to fly airplanes into my doghouse. What could I do?
Pelosi: Ass destruction?
Spike: I am a dog. I worry.

Suddenly at that key dramatic moment, the Congressional inquiry was interrupted because Sanjiya of American Idol fame was making a comeback and Katie Couric had an exclusive. Congress stopped to watch. So I watched too because I am a voter and I need information. But then that interview was interrupted by a much more pressing matter: Hillary Clinton has cleavage.

Apparently Hillary has enough cleavage to cover the dial because it was everywhere, on every channel – CNN, MSNBC, Fox, the History Channel, the Discovery Channel and CNBC. My favorite was the Game Show Channel.

By then it was another day altogether so I gave my telephone television to my dog, named “Michael Vick.” She is a poodle. (I also own a lion named “Mother Theresa”) The next thing I knew, a solemn scheming penguin wearing a Maytag repairman outfit and a “Gore ‘08” pin was knocking at my door asking if he could check my freezer.

So while my dog was watching the Congressional dog hearing, I was helping a refugee undercover Penguin and, like all of America, debating whether I like the Geico caveman or Geico lizard better. Clearly, democracy and the upcoming presidential election were on my mind.

I wonder who is going to win – although really, I know. (I know an NBA referee who can get you good odds on who is going to win. Shhh. If you tell anyone – I mean anyone – I will give the vice president a gun and some scotch and tell him that you are his best friend who immigrated illegally while having a flag-burning abortion. Or I will simply point out that you look like a bird.)

Meanwhile, I have to go now. My helicopter is here. Lindsey and I are going to Baghdad to see a dogfight and PETA has bigger concerns. Cheers! Join us?

PERSPECTIVE EXPLAINS EVERYTHING