When Dale Earnhardt Jr. left the ‘8’ car behind, presidential candidates, thinking it was THE ‘08’ car, began flocking to NASCAR. By the time they learned better, they each had their own big money rides.

If you look, you can see John McCain quietly drafting behind the new “ARMY” ‘8’ car, driven by Mark Martin, and the “NATIONAL GUARD” ‘88’ car driven by Junior. Following those two, McCain gains credibility and track position from his claim that his surge is working.

And so with all apologies to Darrell Waltrip; boogity, boogity, boogity, let’s go racing boys… and Hillary!

These candidates are trading words and tradin’ paint – each driving a car with a big logo on it. It’s amazing how well Barack Obama is doing considering he takes a pit stop every lap. “Change!” he says. “Change!”

Meanwhile, Mike Huckabee is driving the Car Of Yesterday – the “MIRACLE” Monte Carlo - because he doesn’t believe in evolution. But rumor is that beneath his smiling demeanor is the temper of the wild rock n’ roller.

Yes, a rumor that I am now making up says that Huckabee (trained by Chuck Norris) punched Hillary in the face inside of a hauler.

I admit I am a conspiracy theorist who thinks that this new rumor is just NASCAR’s Cale-Yarborough-once-upon-a-time wish. Sure, maybe it’s reality in the form of old-time Arkansas politics but I find it always easier to just believe a good conspiracy theory. Especially when it comes to old-time Arkansas politicians.

But I digress so instead let me backtrack… for those who haven’t been following along. There used to be many more racers in this contest.

Early in turn 1 of lap 1, a Bush brother or a Busch brother (footage was unclear) led Dennis Kucinich on a surefire “UFO-maneuver” and caused a crash that took out the cars of Joe Biden, Chris Dodd, Tom Tancredo and all the foreign-born fancy-named open-wheeled drivers who have been subjected to the harsh debate on immigration.

Plus, trailing along two hours later the same crash claimed the car of Rudolph Guiliani, who stubbornly decided not to start the race until the other racers finished 250 miles.

As an aside, rumor has it that driver Dario Franchitti of Scotland is now a landscaper for Mitt Romney who, despite all the money he and Toyota poured into his 850-wifepower car, kept wanting to turn right when the rest of the field was tilting decidedly left.

He crashed but he promised his car would be ready in four years. And then he hired high-priced consultants to help him build an oval that would require cars to turn right. But the have-beens and never-weres and pretenders like Fred Thompson, who was too tired to turn the key in his car, are old news.

This race is down to its final laps. The big three drivers from Hendrick are leading the way followed by Tony Stewart and (my personal favorite) Clint Bowyer.

Mike Huckabee is a lap down but he plans to race until someone wins and besides he finds that whenever he hits the southeast corner of the racetrack he picks up speed while up in the northeast his engine barely has any kick at all. “My car runs on miracles,” he says.

Meanwhile, Bill Clinton is standing on the hood of Hillary’s car spitting into the windshield of Barack Obama’s car. (Someone representing Matt Drudge follows along and rushes the sample to a DNA lab.)

McCain’s “ME MILITARY” Ford is old and reliable, but it’s old… Suddenly McCain’s car can’t handle into the next left turn. But wait, he seems to have pulled out of it. Whew, that was close! His crew chief diagnoses “a Limbaugh drag” on the right front tire.

As the race continues Obama’s “CHANGE” Chevrolet appears shinier than all the other cars on the track and as it goes by the engine sounds better. The crowd roars when he announces he wants Dale Jr. as his running mate. Junior smiles and says, “Whatever” and the crowd cheers twice as loud.

But no matter what Obama does and who he gets to endorse him, every time he tries to get by the Clinton “DAY 1” Dodge, Bill Clinton is still spitting his way.

This is old-time NASCAR, folks, and we’re not even into the Chase yet.

For those interested, I don’t know Whatzgonnahappen – that’s my other website where I pretend to be a guru specializing in the NFL. Here we can only drive fast, turn left and pray for the future of our nation of Freecheezeburgerz.

Previous columns

Conspiracy Theories and such
    Theory #1 - Vick's Dogs
    Theory #2 - Fenway Park
    Bag O' Burgers #1
    Will Vote For Money
    Rules For Bad Bosses
    Theory #3, Milk-or-Whiskey Democracy
    Lyrics
    Freecheezeburgerz

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