I mock you. Your mother was so fat, she had 12 rounds, and her mother was so fat that she had 20 rounds. You are so stupid that you think this might happen:

1) LIONS - Matt Millen. After strongly considering any or maybe every random wide receiver or even quarterback Matthew Stafford, the Lions draft their former general manager and proclaim that the 51-year-old Millen was in the wrong role previously in Detroit, and should flourish again as a player.

2) RAMS - Garth Brooks. He has friends in low places so he's a natural, although the Rams briefly consider a tackle like Jason Smith.

3) CHIEFS - DNA rights to the male offspring of Tom Brady. Although linebacker Aaron Curry looks tempting, Scott Pioli has another secret handshake deal with Bill Belichick, who legally owns the rights to Tom Brady's DNA.

4) SEAHAWKS - Kevin Durant. A quarterback like Mark Sanchez might seem appealing but the Seahawks, under civic pressure, bring Durant back to Seattle.

5) BROWNS - David Modell. The Browns consider drafting a superstar, whoever that is - maybe even a tackle like Eugene Monroe - but in the end decide that Art Modell's son best explains the state of mind of the team.

6) BENGALS - Donald Rumsfeld. The team that loves an accused criminal and a failed strategy drafts a master, although it considers drafting tackle Andre Smith.

7) RAIDERS - Rod Blagojovich. Al Davis considers Bernie Madoff and Phil Spector and even flirts with the idea of getting a wide receiver weapon such as Michael Crabtree, but in the end decides that Blagojovich is just like John Madden, if you are sort of senile.

8) JAGUARS - Rudolph Guiliani. The team drafts the master of a great expectations gone wrong bet in Florida, although it considers drafting wide receiver Jeremy Maclin.

9) PACKERS - The guy who catches passes in Brett Favre’s jeans commercials. The Packers will consider run stopper B.J. Raji for a brief moment, but in the end decide that if this guy knows Brett – heck, Aaron Rodgers will understand…

10) 49ERS - Mike Singletary. The 49ers draft their own coach because he is the only player in the world who could meet his expectations. The team thinks about drafting Brian Orakpo but Singletary is convinced that only Singletary has the intensity he requires.

11) BILLS - A therapist for Terrell Owens. The team thinks about getting some defensive help with Aaron Maybin but logically decides it's better to invest in a good couch jockey for temperamental T.O.

12) BRONCOS - A nuclear weapons expert to finish blowing up the team. It also considers defensive end Robert Ayers but it can afford the more expensive weapons expert now that it no longer needs a babysitter.

13) REDSKINS - Jim Thorpe. Daniel Snyder likes to make a big splash and after visiting the Pro Football Hall of Fame and seeing Thorpe's statue, Snyder can't resist the biggest name. Football people want a live body on defense such as Tyson Jackson but Snyder loves a name player.

14) SAINTS - A scoreboard operator with a Masters Degree in mathematics. The team considers linebacker Rey Maualulga but instead sticks with the strategy of lots of offense and no defense.

15) TEXANS - David Petraeus. The Texans need defense and though they consider linebacker Clay Matthews Jr., the team thinks the General is a better option.

16) CHARGERS - A spare knee for Shawne Merriman. Though the team will consider linebacker Brian Cushing, it's more important to make sure Merriman survives.

17) JETS - Mel Kiper. The team should have drafted Kiper last year instead of Vernon Gholston. The Jets think about running back Chris Wells but decide Kiper has Broadway hair.

18) BRONCOS - Stephen Hawking. He doesn't have Jay Cutler’s arm but Josh McDaniels figures Hawking shoould be easy to coach. The team also thinks about quarterback Josh Freeman, but the young coach would rather have a genius because he wants to work some quantum physics into his playbook.

19) BUCCANEERS - A Somali pirate to run the Stadium pirate ship. Defensive tackle Peria Jerry is under consideration until the ship's crew is cut in order to save money in this economy.

20) LIONS - Tim Geithner. The auto bailout wasn't enough so Detroit resorts to flattery and besides, the Lions are successful compared to Chrysler. The team is intrigued with offensive lineman Michael Oher but counts on Geithner authorizing bonuses for losing.

21) EAGLES - Rush Limbaugh. Even though running back Knowshon Moreno is appealing, keeping Donovan McNabb motivated is more important so the team asks Rush to publicly suggest benching McNabb.

22) VIKINGS - The president of a trucking company. The team considers wide receiver Darius Heywood-Bey but ultimately picks the guy who knows how to move ground freight.

23) PATRIOTS - Beelzebub. Although cornerback Malcom Jenkins would help, Bill Belichick feels he needs an evil genius partner after not winning the Super Bowl for a few years.

24) FALCONS - Michael Vick's home confinement butler. The team considers tight end Brandon Pettigrew but hears that the butler does everything well.

25) DOLPHINS - David Beckham. The team thinks about drafting wide receiver Kenny Britt but hopes Beckham gives them more options running the Wildcat.

26) RAVENS - Madonna. The only person who can raise Ray Lewis' level of self-celebration is chosen instead of wide receiver Percy Harvin.

27) COLTS - Tony Dungy. Though a defensive tackle line Evander Hood would really help, the team knows that Dungy coming back is more valuable, so why not draft him?

28) BILLS - O.J. Simpson's robbery pals from Vegas. Though Simpson is toxic, and the team may even prefer an offensive tackle like Ebben Britton, O.J.'s knucklehead friends can handle customs exchange rate of football points from Toronto to Buffalo.

29) GIANTS - The doorman at the Latin Quarter Nightclub. The team considers wide receiver Hakeem Nicks, but sees the doorman as way more valuable.

30) TITANS - Susan Boyle. Though the team thinks about defensive lineman Everette Brown, the homely woman with the beautiful voice is brought in to make the team focus on one feature of the game at a time.

31) CARDINALS - Charles Dickens. The team thinks seriously about running back Donald Brown but finds it best to draft the guy who knows about the best of times and the worst of times.

32) STEELERS - Darth Vader. Beelzebub is already off the board and though center Max Unger looks appealing nothing says Steelers like Darth Vader.

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