Public: I’m running out of gas, my car is way too loose, I’m starving, and there’s a nervous banker in my backseat telling me he’s going to foreclose on my lug nuts.

Bush: I wish I had a magic wand.

Public: You’re my crew chief! You should be able to do it without a magic wand! Don’t you have any gas for me? Don’t you know how to use a wrench? Have you paid any of the bills?

Bush: I mean if I had a magic wand, I’d wave it. I would! And besides, the legislative tire changers won’t cooperate. They’re always voting and deliberating instead of just changing the tires.

Public: Listen man. Your contract is up in January. I’ve had enough. You can go work with Kevin Lepage if you want.

Bush: That’s not fair.

Public: True. Kevin Lepage only made one colossal mistake.

Bush: What are you saying?

Public: I’m saying that come November I’m replacing you with one of three people.

Bush: Steve Letarte, or Chad Knauss or Greg Zipadelli?

Public: I wish! No – Hillary Clinton, John McCain or Barack Obama.

Bush: Clinton… Clinton? The name sounds familiar. Wait a minute! I think she lived in the apartment I’m living in now. It’s actually a whole house, a big white house.

Public: That would make sense.

Bush: Yeah, I tried to buy it, you know, but I discovered it’s not for sale. In fact I was told everyone who’s ever lived there tried to buy it and one guy, some dude named Nixon, almost succeeded. But then, I guess he got embarrassed and had to move because of something heard by a primitive version of Youtube.

Public: Tape recordings.

Bush: Yeah, that’s it. How did you know?

Public: It’s actually my house. I lease it out once every four years.

Bush: Get out of here!

Public: You always say that to me. But now I finally get to say that to you.

Bush: What? You think you can do better with one of those three as your crew chief?

Public: I’m conducting job interviews right now.

Bush: Oh yeah. What have you learned?

Public: Well, they all have different views than you on the Baghdad 500. Obama would have never entered, Clinton wouldn’t have entered if she knew then what she knows now, and McCain says it was a huge blunder to use Donald Rumsfeld as the spotter for that race.

Bush: What do you think?

Public: I just want change.

Bush: I’d give you some but I spent all my money planning for the Baghdad race.

Public: No, I don’t want small change. I am sick of all your errors.

Bush: Good. Good. I encourage you to spend money. That’s helps my war on erorrism.

Public: War on errorism?

Bush: It’s global - all over the car. Lot of errors trying to take you out. So I’m doing what I can. My strategy is to spend more and collect less. Don’t misunderestimate me.

Public: That’s actually impossible.

Bush: Thank you.

Public: Can’t you do anything? I’m like five laps behind.

Bush: Wow, really? Mission accomplished!

Public: Hey, don’t try that on me again. I fell for that once. I’d like to win this race, you know. Don’t you have any ideas?

Bush: Well, I’m reading ”The Complete Idiot’s Guide to NASCAR.” It’s a great book, right at my level.

Public: So… what did you learn? Can you help me?

Bush: Well, I’ve got one correction that I think will help a lot.

Public: What? Tell me.

Bush: You’re not gonna believe it but…

Public: What? What?

Bush: It says here you should turn left.

Previous columns

Conspiracy Theories and such
    NFL Draft - Analyzing Reggie Clinton, Reggie McCain & Reggie Obama
    Goodbye Rocky Colavito's Curse
    Roger Clemens Versus Barry Bonds - Movie Pitches
    The Fake Tony Stewart "Goodyear-Is-My-Barber" Commercial
    The Amy Winehouse Obama Song For Pittsburgh Pirates Fans
    If The Presidential Candidates Entered The 2008 Daytona 500
    Theory #3, Milk-or-Whiskey Democracy
    Rules For Bad Bosses
    Will Vote For Money
    Bag O' Burgers #1
    Theory #2 - Fenway Park
    Theory #1 - Vick's Dogs
    Freecheezeburgerz - CURRENT COLUMN


Other Stuff
    Please Don't Build The Cape Cod Wind Farm
    Lyrics
    Freecheezeburgerz - CURRENT COLUMN

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