ROGER CLEMENS VERSUS BARRY BONDS - MOVIE PITCHES
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March 17, 2008
It's a monster movie, okay? Little people get squashed.
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Think Godzilla versus Mothra, only with zits on their respective backs. It’s Barry Bonds versus Roger Clemens – hide the children!
Imagine two monsters, one with a bat, and one with a ball, and each with an unlimited supply of steroids. Imagine actual growled denials in the actual halls of Congress. The special effects could be tremendous. Visualize a broken bat thrown angrily from one melon head at another! It has everything – monsters, politicians and violence!
It’s perfect for Freecheezeburgerz Studios.
No?
Okay, how about this: Superheroes.
You know, like Spiderman and that nuclear stuff? So our heroic crime fighters are shy, skinny tremendous baseball players who, by pure coincidence, stumble upon, respectively, an East Coast trainer and a West Coast laboratory and each by chance develops a fetish for buttock injections of some of the world’s best Vitamin B12.
Too kinky?
Not kinky enough? Okay, how about as a side character we bring in Jose Canseco and his wife and… um, stick with me on this… we’ll have him throw a pool party. The kinky part?
Breast judging.
What? Breast judging is an internationally accepted sport. Don’t pretend like you haven’t participated. Besides, it’s a great dream sequence, if you know what I mean. Oh, and the judges? Gosh – we’ll hire Elliot Spitzer and Snoop Dogg.
Listen. This is high-concept stuff here and I’m not going to settle for some lowbrow cast. This movie will have Brad Pitt and Denzel Washington. Yes, they have to do (or continue… just to make up a rumor while covering my bases) steroids.
I want Denzel Washington to play Roger Clemens and Brad Pitt to play Barry Bonds.
That way, it will call attention to how good-looking they’ve become by taking steroids. And since one is black and one is white, I think I’ve got the racial part covered.
What? You don’t like the Superheroes idea?
Okay, it’s a buddy movie then. A comedy. Two guys go on the road in search of, um, steroids. Come on, it could be slapstick hilarious as they encounter shady characters and then try to squash them.
Come, on… that’s a great idea! Listen, you people are tough.
Okay, fine. Let me throw this one at you then – it’s a Western. Yeah, that’s it. We’ll juice the horses and make the Indians into Cleveland Indians full of human growth hormones.
The Western is my best idea yet…
Okay, I have a new best idea. I’ll go the obvious route: science fiction. You know, Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds begin ingesting crazy ingredients that make their bodies get big and then they do superhuman heroic things – you know like the $6 Million Man – only they cost a lot more.
I didn’t think you’d go for that. Too obvious, huh?
Two words. Are you looking at me? Look at me! Two words:
Reality TV.
Huh? Huh? Huh? I’m onto something now, aren’t I?
Oh, I see. You already own a TV and you’ve seen these guys on every channel already? That’s tough to compete with, true.
All right, I’ve got it! By golly, I’ve got it.
A video game: Clemens versus Bonds.
Okay, it works like a regular baseball video game mixed with Pac Man and Grand Theft Auto. Roger Clemens pitches to Barry Bonds for 27 at-bats. That’s the regular baseball video game part.
But between at-bats, they each have to run through a maze – we’ll call it the legal maze – and then they have to squish little people (squishing little people is funny!) with the clever and overpowering use of lawyers in order to gain special powers from a hypodermic needle and a loophole in the law.
And then it’s time for the next pitch.
Okay, then this is my final idea: a prison movie. You know – we’ll call it the Balco Redemption.
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The Fake Tony Stewart "Goodyear-Is-My-Barber" Commercial
The Amy Winehouse Obama Song For Pittsburgh Pirates Fans
If The Presidential Candidates Entered The 2008 Daytona 500
Theory #3, Milk-or-Whiskey Democracy
Rules For Bad Bosses
Will Vote For Money
Bag O' Burgers #1
Theory #2 - Fenway Park
Theory #1 - Vick's Dogs
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Check it out! -
(Let's go racin')
You can listen HERE for a 12-minute radio interview I did about "The Complete Idiot's Guide to NASCAR" with Dan Lovallo of "The Talk of Connecticut."
MY NEW BOOK
CHAPTER ONE BEGINS...
"Imagine driving almost 200-mph in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Now imagine driving like that in your own car.
Talk about rush hour.
This is a book about the world of NASCAR (National Association for Stock Car Automobile Racing) - big-time automobile racing in which the cars look like yours, sort of. And that's why, if you watch for even a little while, it's easy to imagine yourself driving one of these cars.
Let's say you are driving from Cleveland to New York City (or, if you'd like, New Orleans to Dallas) in this kind of inches-away wild traffic and for all 500 miles 42 other stubborn, road-rage-waiting-to-happen drivers around you will do most anything to get there first - including team up, even with you.
Imagine a crossroads where technology meets human skill. Your hands are on the wheel and your scruples are on display.
For some reason, this route has a lot of left turns, millions of people are watching and, oh yeah, corporate America has placed a very large bet on you getting there first. Plus, get this - there could be a fiery sedan-flipping crash at any instant and you might have no choice but to be part of it. Yes, people have died doing this. Others have found incredible glory. Some have found both.
Inches away. Are your palms sweating yet?
In this opening chapter, you'll get an introduction into the appeal of all kinds of racing as well as a basic explanation of NASCAR racing, which is a specific kind of automobile racing featuring cars that look like yours."
If you can drive a car, you are a fan of NASCAR...
You just may not know it yet
IT'S A GREAT INTRODUCTION TO NASCAR, plus a great resource on the CURRENT STATE OF THE SPORT.
MOST IMPORTANT - it includes a FOREWORD BY NASCAR LEGEND (Jeff Gordon's former Cup Championship Crew Chief and current Director of Racing at Petty Enterprises) ROBBIE LOOMIS!
Plus an EIGHT-PAGE COLOR INSERT of great NASCAR action.
(photos (mostly) by the great photographer, Bryan Hallman)
The Complete Idiot's Guide To NASCAR is available at ALL THE GOOD BOOKSTORES and at Amazon.com.
Check out my other websites:
Whatzgonnahappen.com
(NFL predictions/satire)
Briantarcy.com
(my writing business)
Freecheezeburgerz For Money
(a store)
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