Hi I’m Charles Gibson of ABC News here with Mel Kiper Jr. to cover this year’s NFL draft. Mel, you’re not wearing a flag pin. Why do you hate America so much?

Mel: Actually, I have a flag pin. I just lost it in my pompadour around 2002. Haven’t seen it since. Hey, where’s your flag pin?

Gibson: Well, that explains that. But explain this. How can Bill Parcells, general manager of the Miami Dolphins, choose between these three very deserving candidates? Does he go offense or does he go defense? I mean, who from the past do these players remind you of.

Mel: I think McCain reminds Parcells of Lawrence Taylor and a little of Phil Simms, while Clinton is Dick Butkus all over again and Obama has everything Joe Namath had.

Gibson: I exactly understand the Obama and Clinton references, but explain how McCain is like both Lawrence Taylor and Phil Simms.

Mel: Well, he’s a conservative leader like Simms. And one time Lawrence Taylor showed up in handcuffs for practice because his “date” lost the keys. McCain also has been tied up.

Gibson: Another brilliant observation from Mel Kiper! Let’s cut now to our Freecheezeburgerz-sponsored Green Room hidden camera.

--

GREEN ROOM HIDDEN CAMERA

Obama: I think Bill Parcells is going to choose me to be the one to change the Miami Dolphins. Because, you know, the way he delegates is super.

Clinton: You have such a way with words, Barack. But The Tuna called me at 3 a.m. to talk about grocery shopping. I downed a shot of whiskey and we talked for hours. He treated me like he treated Drew Bledsoe as a rookie but I can take it. I’ve been vetted.

McCain: Look, I’m the only one of the three of us who supported the franchise during last year’s disastrous season. I’m ready to step right in and keep things going just as they are.

--

BACK TO THE STUDIO…

Gibson: So polls show that the nation of Freecheezeburgerz thinks that when Bush was drafted high, it proved to be a mistake.

Mel: Well, he arrived with spectacular promise as someone who could unite (not divide) an outside game with an inside game. It turned out that all he had was an outside game – and that has been rather shaky.

Gibson: Yes, many people now say that the New Orleans Saints shouldn’t have drafted Reggie Bush so high. It flooded New Orleans with false hope.

Mel: It’s unfair to blame him on what happened before but it’s been a few years now and he still hasn’t rebuilt his hopes to where anyone expected. And that’s a kind assessment.

Gibson: If I say anything, it’s not unfair. This is ABC News.

Mel: Mike Williams is going to the Hall of Fame.

Gibson: Who?

Mel: Isn’t this ABC News?

Gibson: You can’t say just anything. It has to be something that someone somewhere believes.

Mel: Jimmy Carter was really good in the huddle.

Gibson: That’s better.

Mel: Richard Nixon had some good schemes.

Gibson: There you go!

Mel: Can you believe the Colts drafted Marshall Faulk in 1994 instead of Heath Schuler?

Gibson: Mel, stop, please. That’s enough. We’re not FOX!

Mel: Akili Smith could still be a superstar. I’m sure of it!

Gibson: Mel!

Mel: My dream ticket is Dennis Kucinich and Tom Tancredo.

Gibson: We have to go back to the Freecheezeburgerz-sponsored Green Room because we at ABC News are more interested in making shallow news than reporting in depth on anything more than Mel Kiper’s opinions. Therefore we have brought into the room through a secret hidden door we didn’t tell the candidates about; Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Monica Lewinsky, and John McCain’s Vietnamese prison guards.

Mel: Oh man, Parcells is going to want to see this.

Gibson: The candidates have been vetted.

Mel: Vet this!

Previous columns

Conspiracy Theories and such
    Goodbye Rocky Colavito's Curse
    Roger Clemens Versus Barry Bonds - Movie Pitches
    The Fake Tony Stewart "Goodyear-Is-My-Barber" Commercial
    The Amy Winehouse Obama Song For Pittsburgh Pirates Fans
    If The Presidential Candidates Entered The 2008 Daytona 500
    Theory #3, Milk-or-Whiskey Democracy
    Rules For Bad Bosses
    Will Vote For Money
    Bag O' Burgers #1
    Theory #2 - Fenway Park
    Theory #1 - Vick's Dogs
    Freecheezeburgerz - CURRENT COLUMN


Other Stuff
    Please Don't Build The Cape Cod Wind Farm
    Lyrics
    Freecheezeburgerz - CURRENT COLUMN

PERSPECTIVE EXPLAINS EVERYTHING