THE FAKE TONY STEWART "GOODYEAR-IS-MY-BARBER" COMMERCIAL
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March 10, 2008
Hi I’m Tony Stewart and I believe Goodyear doesn’t have the technology to keep up with the Haircut of Tomorrow.
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I haven’t cut my hair in months because Goodyear is my barber but it doesn’t even own one pair of scissors. They want to use dull rusty steak knives! That's no way to help me win this year's prestigious Freecheezeburgerz Cup. I can barely see where I am driving.
If I were Goodyear, I’d be embarrassed to look at my hair. I guarantee you that wild-eyed Trixie, that crazy chick with scissors, could do a better job than Goodyear. She at least has scissors! But the bad thing is they’ve got an exclusive deal to be my barber, so what can I do?
They have no reason to actually cut my hair and make me look better because they have no competition. Last week, they offered to cut my hair with spoons. Spoons!
Don’t get me started on Goodyear!
Okay, let me tell you all about Goodyear. If Goodyear made an umbrella, it would be full of holes – just like most of my theories. But Goodyear is my barber and they really are the most pathetic excuse for putting up a barber pole I’ve seen since I began getting haircuts. Look at it: the stripes on the pole are vertical, and the colors are pink and blue.
If they can’t do any better than that, they really out to exit the haircut corner of the mall and save me a lot of headaches, not to mention head embarrassment.
They exited out of Salon 1, they exited out of doing girls haircuts, they exited out of cutting outlaws hair, and there’s a reason for that and it’s that Goodyear can’t cut hair worth a damn. If I were Goodyear, I’d be embarrassed to even acknowledge me and my hair and what this has come to. How I even got a hairbrush through this, I don’t know.
I just don’t think Goodyear has enough quality people on the problem. I’m pleading with Goodyear to do something so that I can put my hairs side by side, but they ignore the problem and I end up looking like this.
They put me in a position where I have no control over the situation and all that I can do is hold on and hope for the best even though I look like a wreck.
Let me put it this way: if Goodyear was a pop star it would be Britney Spears; if Goodyear bought Subway Restaurant, Jared would be fat again and if Goodyear was a tire company supplying race tires, oh never mind… I can’t imagine such a thing.
Oh yeah, let me finish with this because my contract says I have to say: Goodyear is the official haircut of NASCAR and it makes me very, very happy. Look at me, can’t you tell?
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The Amy Winehouse Obama Song For Pittsburgh Pirates Fans
If The Presidential Candidates Entered The 2008 Daytona 500
Theory #3, Milk-or-Whiskey Democracy
Rules For Bad Bosses
Will Vote For Money
Bag O' Burgers #1
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Check it out! -
(Let's go racin')
You can listen HERE for a 12-minute radio interview I did about "The Complete Idiot's Guide to NASCAR" with Dan Lovallo of "The Talk of Connecticut."
MY NEW BOOK
CHAPTER ONE BEGINS...
"Imagine driving almost 200-mph in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Now imagine driving like that in your own car.
Talk about rush hour.
This is a book about the world of NASCAR (National Association for Stock Car Automobile Racing) - big-time automobile racing in which the cars look like yours, sort of. And that's why, if you watch for even a little while, it's easy to imagine yourself driving one of these cars.
Let's say you are driving from Cleveland to New York City (or, if you'd like, New Orleans to Dallas) in this kind of inches-away wild traffic and for all 500 miles 42 other stubborn, road-rage-waiting-to-happen drivers around you will do most anything to get there first - including team up, even with you.
Imagine a crossroads where technology meets human skill. Your hands are on the wheel and your scruples are on display.
For some reason, this route has a lot of left turns, millions of people are watching and, oh yeah, corporate America has placed a very large bet on you getting there first. Plus, get this - there could be a fiery sedan-flipping crash at any instant and you might have no choice but to be part of it. Yes, people have died doing this. Others have found incredible glory. Some have found both.
Inches away. Are your palms sweating yet?
In this opening chapter, you'll get an introduction into the appeal of all kinds of racing as well as a basic explanation of NASCAR racing, which is a specific kind of automobile racing featuring cars that look like yours."
If you can drive a car, you are a fan of NASCAR...
You just may not know it yet
IT'S A GREAT INTRODUCTION TO NASCAR, plus a great resource on the CURRENT STATE OF THE SPORT.
MOST IMPORTANT - it includes a FOREWORD BY NASCAR LEGEND (Jeff Gordon's former Cup Championship Crew Chief and current Director of Racing at Petty Enterprises) ROBBIE LOOMIS!
Plus an EIGHT-PAGE COLOR INSERT of great NASCAR action.
(photos (mostly) by the great photographer, Bryan Hallman)
The Complete Idiot's Guide To NASCAR is available at ALL THE GOOD BOOKSTORES and at Amazon.com.
Check out my other websites:
Whatzgonnahappen.com
(NFL predictions/satire)
Briantarcy.com
(my writing business)
Freecheezeburgerz For Money
(a store)
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