MANNY RAMIREZ ENTERS...
July 31, 2008
BEIJING – Representing the nation of Freecheezeburgerz, Manny Ramirez this week pledged to participate in every event in the 2008 Beijing Olympics “unless they trade me to another country. But they don’t have the guts. They know what they’ve got here.”
Owners of the country were unavailable for comment.
Manny quickly claimed to have a hurt knee and promised to be unavailable for all equestrian events, which he could win if he wanted to – and he does want to but he has a really hurt knee.
A columnist for FCB News, which is published
by the owners of the country, bashed Manny in a most snarky manner.
Hearing this, Manny chortled but he did it in a Spanish accent so it was misunderstood as a chuckle and one local radio host with a huge audience of lunkheads-who-wouldn’t-know-a-chortle-from-a-guffaw went so far as to actually call Manny’s chortle a guffaw.
This caused many to laugh. Manny just kept chortling while many laughed.
Then Manny disappeared into a corner and began studying the Olympic schedule.
And now friends say he’s been a natural, ever since he took it up – about 14 seconds ago. And yet even when he says, “Hey, I’m just Manny being Manny” it’s hard for fellow citizens to fathom how he plans to win the women’s synchronized swimming competition here in Beijing.
But just as he was about to explain, suddenly he announced that he planned to miss opening ceremonies because he saw a really cool Chevy for sale in Rhode Island.
During the press conference, he stopped for 8 seconds to learn badminton and another 19.3 seconds to figure out fencing. After this 27.3 second pause, he said, “I’ll parry the shuttlecock and I’ll win both events and if you don’t believe me, trade me.”
He stopped and high-fived a fan and read him a page from “The Cat In The Hat” during an eight second break he took in the middle of the 100-yard dash qualifiers and then he began to talk about how he really was entering every event in this year’s summer Olympics.
“Hey, I’m just Manny being Manny,” he said as an explanation for how he planned to enter men’s cycling and women’s rhythmic gymnastics.
These two events, more than a mile apart at the exact same time, require him to acquire new skills and in one case a new gender, and also a time machine or perhaps just a gender opposite clone.
“This is the last Olympics I am going to participate in for Freecheezeburgerz,” said Manny after talking to a coach about weightlifting or maybe table tennis.
“Look, I plan to win every gold medal and then I’m out of here,” he said. “If Lithuania wants to talk to me, they should call Scott Boras.”
No one knows where the reference to Lithuania came from. The only other country Manny has expressed an interest in playing for previously is Iraq.
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