LOST MARBLES IN TWO ACTS

July 4, 2008

Man enters room. Five people are sitting on five plastic chairs arranged in a circle. They are all drinking coffee. Each wears a hat.

Man: My name is ______ and I lost my marbles.

All Five: Come in, come in. This is the right place.

Man: Really? Do you have my marbles?

Lady Red Hat: Only you know that for sure.

Man: How could I? I don’t know if you have my marbles. But I know FOR SURE that I lost my marbles.

Fedora: How can you say that?

Fruit Hat: Yeah! How do you know you ever even had your marbles?

Baseball hat: And isn’t marbles just a generic term?

Man: What?

Bike Helmet: You know. It’s not specific enough. Perception is reality and all.

Man: Marbles! I lost my marbles. That’s what I’m looking for (pause, loud exhale) Pretty specific, eh?

Lady Red Hat: So you’re saying that you lost your marbles then?

Man: Yes! Exactly!

Lady Red Hat: How do you know your marbles aren’t the cause of your troubles to begin with?

Man: Who said I have troubles?

Baseball Hat: You said you lost your marbles. That sounds like trouble to me.

Other Hats: Yeah. Yeah it does.

Man: And who are you to judge me? Who are any of you and what gives you the right?

Bike Helmet: Well, we belong to a group. That’s what gives us the right.

Fedora: Yeah, that’s why I joined. (Holding a marble) When you’re in a group, you can do anything.

Man: (Noticing the marble) Even steal my marbles?

Fedora: It’s not stealing. It’s finders-keepers.

Fruit Hat: (pointing at Man) Yeah, losers-weepers!

Bike Helmet: And as a group we can judge without having to think. We can judge you and we did and we think you are guilty.

Man: Guilty? Guilty of what? This is preposterous.

Lady in Red: We judged him? Guilty? I don’t really recall that. But, well, okay.

Man: Guilty of what?

Fedora: I voted guilty?

Fruit Hat: You must have if I did because I sure don’t remember.

Baseball Hat: It’s my idea. Look at him. Guilty as hell.

Man: Guilty of what?

Fruit Hat: Yeah, guilty of what?

Bike Helmet: Why, guilty of having troubles, of course. He is a man without marbles.

Fedora: Well, now that you say it that way it sure sounds like trouble to me. It’s obvious. You need to join a group and get a hat.

Man: Do you think that will help me find my marbles?

ACT 2

Same room. Now six plastic chairs and a table in the middle. Baseball Hat is seated at the head of the table on a wobbly chair. On top of the table is a glass goldfish bowl filled with marbles. The man who entered the room at the beginning of play is now wearing a beanie with a propeller on top.

Man: These are my marbles. I need my marbles back.

Fedora: How can you be sure they are your marbles?

Man: They must be.

Baseball Hat: Why, just because you lost your marbles and now there are marbles here? What if somebody bought marbles and brought them here.

Man: That’s silly. Where would you buy marbles?

Baseball Hat: At the marble store, where else?

Man: Money can’t buy marbles.

Bike Helmet: Money buys everything. And there’s always a store.

Lady Red Hat: If you have your marbles, the only other thing you need is your health.

Baseball Hat: And money. You need money.

Fedora: No you don’t.

Baseball Hat: I do. How do you think I bought these marbles?

Man: Those are my marbles.

Baseball Hat: That’s funny. You have really have lost your marbles, haven’t you?

Man: (Stands) That’s it. I’m going home.

Bike Helmet: Where do you live?

Man: In that building, over there, where the elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top.

Bike Helmet: Hey, I live there too.

Fruit Hat: So do I.

Fedora: I’ve lived there all my life.

Lady Red Hat: I live there now. Let’s walk there together.

All stand except for Baseball Hat.

Baseball Hat: I don’t want to be seen with you people.

Lady Red Hat: Then what are YOU going to do?

Baseball Hat: (Turns over chair) I’m going to fix this chair.

Man: What’s wrong with it?

Baseball Hat: I’ve got a few loose screws.

Everyone leaves the room while Baseball Hat works on chair.

THE END

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    Freecheezeburgerz - CURRENT COLUMN


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    Please Don't Build The Cape Cod Wind Farm
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