NON-VOTERS HOLD THEIR OWN CONVENTION
August 28, 2008
My fellow non-voters, I accept your nomination to be president of Freecheezeburgerz. This is no ordinary time in our country and you, the non-voters, are the majority - the true believers in democracy.
As you know from my commercials, when my phone rang at 3 a.m. and the person on the other end said that the world was in crisis and I had five minutes to act, I tried to order a pizza.
But the caller was adamant that the world was in crisis and the pizza
would take longer than five minutes. My fellow non-voters, when my phone rings at 3 a.m. and I can't order a pizza, I don’t plan to answer it. I need sleep.
And so I thank you for your overwhelming understanding and support. My ringer is now turned off at night.
As your representative, I plan to complain a lot but never ever do anything. In fact, I vow to do both enough to make you weepy proud - if you happen to pay attention that day.
I am as ignorant as a bag of rocks but occasionally I've learned some fraction of a random fact and then declared as loudly as I could that the people in charge are as ignorant as a bag of rocks for not knowing the same fraction of a fact that I think I know. I never verify what I heard somewhere - most likely on TV. But it sure pisses me off!
One guy offers hope and the other guy offers experience but I represent you because I offer apathy and ignorance.
And I am not without conspiracy theories so please don’t misunderestimate me because I am at least as non-inquisitive and gullible as you are.
I am your leader and let me declare to the world that together we can't do anything! You may be rich or you may be poor and you may be quiet or maybe your car is held together by bumper stickers but you know that, as a non-voter, you've made a statement and I’d like to thank you for your support.
I am now going to buy a lottery ticket because I believe in the American Dream, the same as you!
FREECHEEZEBURGERZ FOR MONEY
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Conspiracy Theories and such
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Goodbye Rocky Colavito's Curse
Roger Clemens Versus Barry Bonds - Movie Pitches
The Fake Tony Stewart "Goodyear-Is-My-Barber" Commercial
The Amy Winehouse Obama Song For Pittsburgh Pirates Fans
If The Presidential Candidates Entered The 2008 Daytona 500
Theory #3, Milk-or-Whiskey Democracy
Rules For Bad Bosses
Will Vote For Money
Bag O' Burgers #1
Theory #2 - Fenway Park
Theory #1 - Vick's Dogs
Freecheezeburgerz - CURRENT COLUMN
Other Stuff
Please Don't Build The Cape Cod Wind Farm
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Freecheezeburgerz - CURRENT COLUMN
PERSPECTIVE EXPLAINS EVERYTHING
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