It knocked on my back door through my television when I was watching football. It was dressed in a smoky green tuxedo (business skirt) made out of the old style $100 bills puffing fat cigars in a non-ventilated room.

And behind the $100 bill stood a ready-to-be-disloyal entourage of $50s and $20s trying to tell the $100 what to think. A couple of the small bills were led away in handcuffs but the $100 changed the subject. It claimed to be the best option to be the president, my president - my very own president of the United States of America.

In about one year, I've heard, I get to pick the president. So many options…

I love this democracy stuff and I can't wait until I get to do some picking of my own because I don't know who did it last time, but I hope they've been fired by now and besides I think one of my neighbors would be a great president.

But then the $100 bill began a tutorial on American democracy and how and why I can't just vote for anybody, not even anybody on the ballot.

The $100 said there is a funnel that is both necessary and natural in politics. The funnel, said the $100, creates legitimate voting opportunities for a handful of $100 bills, including my visitor.

A handful? But aren't there 17 major party candidates at least, plus all the minor ones? Isn't the election a year away, the primaries weeks away? I was confused, but the $100 quickly set me straight. It was technically true, said the $100, that not one vote has been cast yet.

Zero votes cast so far. Zero, I thought, is a powerful number.

But according to the money and the media, the race is all but over. "Money runs everything," said the $100.

Look who's talking, I replied. I tried to convince the $100 that the election is a year away.

The $100 bill laughed. "Money, media. The plot is written."

Plot?

The $100 bill then laughed so hard that it almost couldn't stop. Finally, the $100 bill asked me a question. "Can you fish?"

I don't know how to fish but I once caught a fish, I said.

"Exactly!" said the $100.

I didn't understand.

"How many fish are in the ocean?" asked the $100.

Many, I replied.

"How many did you catch?" asked the $100.

When I replied one, maybe two, the $100 bill said, "There you go. That proves that less than six $100 bills are allowed to be considered qualified to be president and I am the clearly the only one of the less-than-six that is not like the other five losers."

Huh? Fish? Ocean? President?

The $100 seemed to be clouding the water. The $100 bill quickly went lawyerly on me citing federal election law and polls. Meanwhile, it turns out that network debate moderators only brought enough questions for three of the $100 bills in each party.

The reason is because, you know, zero votes have been cast. That's democracy on the march, on the air - and on the money.

Previous columns

Conspiracy Theories and such
    Theory #1 - Vick's Dogs
    Theory #2 - Fenway Park
    Bag O' Burgers #1
    Freecheezeburgerz

PERSPECTIVE EXPLAINS EVERYTHING